JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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