Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
