I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
