I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
