The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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