I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
