yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
