I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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