I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
