just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
