i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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