Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
