ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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