So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize