Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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