Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
