Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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