Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
