my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
