Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
