My girlfriend figured out who you are.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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