My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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