wanna go halves on a baby?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
