I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
