just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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