I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
