Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize