After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Someone signed my nipple.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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