Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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