I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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