I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The power of my boobs compel you
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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