I've blown a few things in my day
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize