Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
