Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
This house was built for laser tag.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
