He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
