Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
