Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize