How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
