I'm lost and stupid without you.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
