I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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