I just pynch a tree in the face
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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