just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
