So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
