I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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