Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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