im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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