1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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