Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
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