A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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