I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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