apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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