It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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