I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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