So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
