Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
