Don't you send me to vm
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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