Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
