Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
