the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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