Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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