so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize