Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
