He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
