it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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